My Huge Lie

Ladies… I’ve been living a lie. Seriously. I’d say that I lie about 2% as often as the average person, maybe even less. However, today I’m going to uncover a huge lie that I’ve been hiding for YEARS now. It’s doubtful that the person who this affects will read it, although maybe if he did I wouldn’t feel so guilty around him.

When the Lord of the Rings was released to theaters, I wasn’t interested in seeing it. At all. I read the books and they were ok, but I’m not really into that whole dungeons and dragons thing. Don’t get me wrong – I’m a huge nerd – just not that type of nerd.

Every six months or so I visit Massachusetts. My grandparents, an Aunt and Uncle, and some other relatives live there, so it’s a convenient meeting place for the family. One day during the Kwanzaa holiday my uncle and I were hanging out after dinner.

“Do you want to see Lord of the Rings?” He asked.

“Not really.”

“I’m going to go see it. Are you sure you don’t want to come?”

I was bored, and I didn’t want him to have to see a movie by himself. I mean… I don’t see what’s wrong with seeing a movie by yourself since it’s the least social activity on the planet, but something about it just isn’t right.

“Sure.”

That was a word I’d live to regret.

We drove to the theater and he bought two tickets. Usually in situations like that I’ll try to buy the tickets to avoid the awkward feeling of having them buy me the tickets. The funny thing is that with a few exceptions, I only do that with people that have more money than me. I always hear about people taking advantage of wealthy people’s generousity, and I don’t want to ever be misconstrued as being one of those people. It’s even happened to me a few times.

The movie began.

Then it ended.

“Wow… that was great. What did you think?” Asked my uncle.

“Yeah, it was great,” I replied.

But that’s the thing. It wasn’t great. It was horrible. It was maybe the worst movie I’d seen all year. I have no idea why I said that. Can I change now? No, it’s too late. Crap.

He continued on, “Yeah! What great characters. They did a great job of staying true to the book.”

Are you kidding me?! Every character is a one dimensional stereotype. If any one of the characters had spontaneously exploded, I wouldn’t have cared in the least. Sure, the books created those stereotypes, but I don’t care. That’s why the book was good and the movie was garbage.

“Yeah, I really liked it,” I replied.

I tried to be as quiet as possible for the ride home – I was really embarassed that I had lied about liking the movie. I didn’t even mean to. It just slipped out. Now there was no backpeddling. We went back home and together told everyone else how good the movie was. I felt dirty.

When I left Massachusetts I was somewhat relieved. It seemed like every day there was a new conversation about that stupid movie that obligated me to talk about how amazing it was. I think people probably went to see it on my recommendation, for which I am eternally sorry.

But it was far from over. The next year I was blindsided.

“Hey Tynan, have you seen Lord of the Rings II yet?”

“No, not yet.”

Uh oh. That may not have been the right answer. I know what’s coming. How do I get out of —

“Perfect. I waited to see it so that we could go see it.”

Oh no. Now there’s a family tradition being based around a movie I hate? Why do they make these stupid movies so long? Three HOURS? Are you kidding me?

“Great, I’ll check the showtimes.”

Unfortunately there was no flurry of comets that happened to take out every movie theater in the greater Boston area, and we went to the movie. Maybe this one will be much better, I hoped.

It wasn’t. It might have been worse, but there’s really no way of knowing. At one point I tried to block my uncle’s view of my eyes and fall asleep. It didn’t work.

Again the movie ended and we talked about how wonderful it was. There was just no good way for me to explain that I hated these movies. Like the first time, we went home and told everyone about how good the movie was. I took two showers to cleanse myself of my guilt.

Then the third year came. I was determined to like the movie this time. There was no way that I was going to get out of watching it, so I may as well enjoy it. I tried to pay attention the plot. My efforts proved impossible. Why do they keep making Lord of the Rings movies? WHY? Isn’t SIX HOURS enough? We get it :

The dwarf is slightly dimwitted but loveable
The sorcerer is wise and old
The elf guy is nimble and smart
Frodo has one expression and it’s the “You just killed my pet rabbit!” look.

THIS HAS BEEN THE SAME FOR THE FIRST TWO MOVIES. Nothing changed! Probably there are some other characters that I should be making fun of, but I can’t remember a single thing that happened in that movie except for some trees walking or talking or something like that.

The only saving grace was that the gremlin guy looked really real. I actually enjoyed watching him for about 60 seconds total. For our debrief I focused on talking about how good the animation was of the gremlin. I felt less guilty.

Finally, after three years of mandatory ocular torture, I was looking forward to visiting Massachusetts guilt free. I would be able to look my uncle in the eye again. He is really smart and I do genuinely love his company. Maybe we can start a new tradition that I will enjoy.

“Hey Tynan, I bought the extended DVD trilogy of Lord of the Rings. It’s 11 hours of footage. Want to watch it?”

Crap.


A Note to Uncle John:

If you read this and your feelings were hurt, I’m really sorry. I didn’t mean to lie to you.

Tynan


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18 responses to “My Huge Lie”

  1. Pentarix Avatar
    Pentarix

    I’m sure he would appreciate your honesty/apology, sometimes it can feel really good to come clean!

  2. Ira Avatar
    Ira

    All the lying aside, I have to say I loved the books and hated the movies. I refused to see the third one, even.

    I didn’t think they were particularly true to the books, not in what they cut—which was unavoidable—but in what they unnecessarily changed. A lot of that, as far as I recall at this late date, was in making the characters shallower, or changing their basic natures entirely. Also, the voiceover at the beginning of Fellowship was totally unnecessary, and completely clunky.

    I have totally lost my faith in Peter Jackson.

    As for the lying, don’t you hate when that happens?

  3. Hawt Avatar
    Hawt

    It’s good to know I’m not that only one who thought the books were mediocre and the movies sucked.

  4. Administrator Avatar
    Administrator

    Man… I can’t wait for my friends to read your comments. They’re convinced I’m the only person who didn’t like them.

  5. Kyle Avatar
    Kyle

    Same as #3

  6. Ebony Avatar
    Ebony

    Oh my god, I went through the exact same thing!

    After reading the glowing critical reviews, I went to see it with half a dozen pals (everyone had read the books, but me) and they all came out raving about the great story and characters and here I am, a huge movie buff who knows quality, who didn’t really care for it. Sure, great special effects, awesome sound, some interesting battles, some amazing sights, but I just wasn’t moved by the characters. Also, the plot is impenetrable on a book-virgin’s first viewing. I didn’t know what the hell was happening to whom. Also, at 3 hours, it was 2 hours too long.

    Thank you for coming clean. I feel so relieved.

  7. taosk8r Avatar
    taosk8r

    Wow, you know.. I read the books back in ’97, and the events and challenges described in them weighed upon me heavily.. Actually, I would say they made me depressed, honestly.. Because of enduring all that, I really felt vindicated by the long, awesomely descriptive ending in the books.. Needless to say, they didn’t feel the need to do that with the movie version (some have pointed to the whole ‘Blade Runner ending’ debacle as justification for this – but who knows why Mr. Jackson decided as he did)..

    Overall, I would say that I wish I had the time back that I spent reading the books (ok, so I have to admit somewhat of a prejudice against fantasy settings in general) to some degree, and I REALLY wish I had the time back from watching the movies (especially the third one because man, I know it is true to the books and all, but the way the characters developed, I didn’t really feel any empathy towards any of them)..

    Lastly I would say that I think I do about as good as you about not being a liar. It is one of my attributes which I view with the most pride, and it does do one good to come clean, even if it is one of those ‘social’ lies in the league of ‘of course your butt doesn’t look fat in those jeans!’. I think of those kinds of lies as way less severe than many other kinds, because they are told just to spare someone’s feelings, which is a mercy, and a compassionate act. I will also point out that it is unlikely you should feel bad about recommending the movie to anyone, since the majority of people who saw it thought it was a masterpiece, anyone you recommended it to probably thought the same thing.. 🙂

  8. Ben Avatar
    Ben

    Awesome! I hate Lord of the Rings!

    You’ve hit on two great points:
    1. People are like dominos, and sometimes even stupider.
    2. No one likes to look stupid.

    I saw Lord of the Rings on opening night before all the hype from the amazing reviews set in. I hadn’t read the books but I thought the previews looked good. Unfortunately, it felt more like an airplane ride than a movie.

    As everyone walked out of the theater, no one talked about how great it was. One guy next to me summed up our collective feelings: “God that sucked. It’s 1:30 in the morning. I want to go to sleep.” We didn’t even want to have a drink, or do something fun. We just wanted to go home.

    The next day my friends excitedly asked how it was. “Hey how was it? I heard it was awesome!” I told them it sucked hardcore and was a waste of life, but they’d already made up their minds! It took me a few weeks to figure out what the hell was going on.

    Apparently, my experience occured nationwide. The unknowing friend asked, “how was it, totally awesome?” And you’d sound like a douche to say no. So you lied. Most people in society consider this not only acceptable, but proper. You avoid looking stupid by agreeing you like something you actually don’t. Now THAT sounds stupid to me. I don’t mind lying to help myself in difficult situations, but you’re a pussy if you can’t even disagree with your misguided friend about Lord of the Rings. By telling him to go see it, you only continued the cycle of pain.

    Man I hate Lord of the Rings. If you like it you can suck a fat hairy frodo foot.

    Tynan, thank you.

  9. Magnus Avatar
    Magnus

    I liked it. Saw all three movies twice in theaters and twice on DVD super-extended edition.

    I couldn’t read the books though. I bought all three with the intention to read them before the movies and got halfway through the second before giving up.

    You’re probably an auditory-based person as you are a musician. I’m Kinaesthetic and Visual.

    What do you think of Harry Potter?

  10. Stewen Wright Avatar
    Stewen Wright

    Have anyone read Odyssy 2001 from Clark? The book is NOTHING like a movie, or the other way around. Muvie is OK, legendary bvut he book, man, you got to read it. Also I read the “Hobbit” and that was an awesome book, but thinking how it would be on film…nah kida like the Trilogy.

  11. Ebony Avatar
    Ebony

    Magnus,
    Good question. I saw the first two (out of 4, I think?) Harry Potter films and thought they were imaginative and cute enough, but both times I felt VERY sleepy by the end. In fact, during one of the films, I think I actually did stop the DVD, take a 30 minute nap, woke up refreshed and finished it.

    So the movies had enough “general” quality to be enjoyable to me, but in the end I’m just not much of a fan of magic and wizardry and shotty character development (Where was Harry’s inner conflict?). Just not my type of film.

    (Just for reference, my type of films: The Machinist, The Woodsman, Me and You and Everyone We Know, Memento, American Beauty, Fargo)

  12. mojotek Avatar
    mojotek

    Well, I loved all three movies, but of course the only book I read was “The Hobbit”, so I didn’t have too much of a comparison.

    But the whole story is really quite hilarious. Points out how easily our tendecy to be socially acceptable can really turn on us.

  13. fg Avatar
    fg

    LOTR is awesome :p, but whatever.. we each have our own opionions… since I’m into CGI animation/modeling/texturing etc. I of course loved to watch the effects… But also I love fantasy type novels and movies… The acting could have used some help LOL.

    I do not understand the whole lying thing just so you will “fit in” with what someone else thinks.. that’s just lame, I don’t care if everyone else in my whole family loved some movie and thought it was genius.. if I don’t like it I would just say it… I don’t understand why you’d have to lie about it.. that just sucks.. and you feel guilty for years LOL. Maybe you learned your lesson heh.

  14. Ebony Avatar
    Ebony

    fg, it’s not so much lying to “fit in” as it’s lying to “keep the good group vibe going”. If everyone’s stoked about a movie and then you come in with “it sucked”, you’re kind of killing the “party”. Although sometimes disagreeing can make for a more interesting discussion. It’s a risk though.

  15. Dawn Kline Avatar
    Dawn Kline

    well some people like some movies and some people don’t. you should have told him about not wanting to see that boring movie!!
    never do things you don’t want to do cause some things you just might regret!!♥ but you did good!!

  16. Toni Avatar
    Toni

    Allow me to say I thoroughly enjoyed reading the comments from you anti-LOTR persons.. I saw the movies; as a fan of the author I must say I think they did what they could on screen even though some parts were disappointing.. I also read the books, yeah they were a bit dry and drawn out, particularly from the middle of The Two Towers onward–however I enjoyed them overall.. To those who did not, no one forced you to stick with them, you have no one to blame but yourselves if you want that time back. Cheers!

  17. Rob Avatar
    Rob

    The topic here might be lying or it might be Lord of the Rings (LOTR). I’m addressing the latter, beginning with the letter W. Some old old people including myself like LOTR and it was written by an old old person who had lost many close friends in the first world war and who had become extremely fond of language. The books are about time, language, and loss and this is why they appeal to people who are, in one way or another, somewhat old.

  18. G Avatar
    G

    You just didn’t UNDERSTAND the LOTR Tynan…it’s like physics for small childen…boring for them because they don’t have the mental faculty to get it… See it again when you’re 60…you may have developed a bit then
    🙂

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