I'm writing about this because we sidetracked a post in the forums and I thought it was interesting to warrant a full article. It's not so much that I want to ram my opinion down the throats of those who disagree with me (I do), but that I feel like my position is misunderstood and I probably didn't do a great job of explaining it.
I don't ever get angry. That doesn't mean that bad things don't happen to me (they do), but most people I know will tell you that they've never seen me angry.
The common misperception is that I don't deal with anger and I stuff it down somewhere. The theory continues that eventually I won't be able to contain it and I will unleash my rage. Or that I'll suddenly become depressed.
People suggest that I "deal with my anger", which is the common "healthy" way to do things.
So first - my position on it. There is NEVER any reason to be angry. You can't feel anger unless you also feel helpless. If someone wrongs you, but you have a solution to the situation, you wouldn't feel angry, right? You'd feel motivated, if anything. Possibly a bit frustrated because you now have more work to do. Anger is a weak emotion.
Someone please try to give me an example that doesn't fit that description. I tried really hard to think of one, but couldn't.
When someone wrongs you, which is the classic instigator of anger, you have two choices : accept it or react to it.
Someone knocked over your sand castle? Either accept it and do something else, or build a better sand castle.
What about something where you have no recourse? You did a good job on a paper in class but your teacher is an asshole and he gave you a bad grade anyway. I'd argue that you DO have a reaction here (drop out of school, take it up with the teacher or his superior, etc.), but most people wouldn't do those things.
In this case, just accept it. Getting angry NEVER ever fixes anything. . Think about that - why would you want an emotion that NEVER helps? It's like jealousy. Being jealous never helps. People have no problem saying "don't be jealous", but they get angry (haha....) when I say not to get angry.
Accept that some things that happen to you will not be optimal. That's how it is for everyone, so just accept yours. Anything else is just petty and selfish.
To wrap this up - the point isn't to suppress your anger, it's to deal with things in a LOGICAL way and realize that anger isn't a valid or helpful emotion. I'm not saying that this is always easy, but it can be accomplished. Instead of thinking of it as "not dealing" with anger, think of it as "dealing extremely quickly" with anger.
So this all sounds great, you might think, but how do you do it? If someone trips you today you're going to be angry, right? You do it the same way you do anything - PRACTICE.
When you get angry, think "Am I going to do something about this?". If you are, think of what you're going to do and do it (or schedule it if you can't do it immediately). How can you feel angry after that? You've found the solution to your problem!
If you're not going to do something about it, then say outloud or in your head, "Bad things happen to people. This is one of those things and the best thing I can do is move on." Maybe that sounds stupid, but when you logically agree that there's no reason to be angry, you'll find that you get over things extremely quickly. Think about why you're being angry and you'll usually be able to trace it back to a fault of your own, most likely something like, "I know the solution to this problem but I don't want to do it."
Enjoy. Magnus, back me up!
Alright, I’m not some sort of scientist or psychologist that knows everything— heck, I don’t know a thing about psychology, how emotions work, anger etc. but speaking from my own experiences, I can say that some parts of this article are hard to agree with. First off, anger doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to use violence or some shit like that, it doesn’t necessarily mean that you are going to argue and lash out. But sometimes, it’s OKAY to feel angry. I myself am very short-tempered but honestly, I try but can not control it. But unlike how you are portraying anger, it isn’t a completely bad emotion. Holding in anger is bad, NOBODY can not ever be angry. Of course, some people don’t show it and that is somewhat a good thing but no shit, not feeling angry has got to be unhealthy for your brain, body and health. Again, anger is an emotion that everybody feels and you gotta stop thinking that anger is just some sort of petty childish emotion that kids feel when they don’t get what they want. It’s not like that. Of course, anger doesn’t help you in anyway but at least it helps you cope with your sadness! Not everybody including me will suddenly lash out with their anger, I don’t do that shit but I also don’t keep it all inside of me! People who get angry are not SUDDENLY idiots, and the emotion they feel comes naturally and it is NOT too bad of an emotion. It is first nature in humans, it is just what we do and some people respond it that way. People who get angry are not SUDDENLY a**holes who do not believe in the ‘light at the end of the tunnel’ and cannot get over things. Anger is just a temporary feeling that EVERYBODY feels.
I don't get angry either, and it's a point of contention with my wife (who does). What she might see as "the landlord screwing us over," I'd see as "an unfortunate situation he should have fixed when we told him about it." She responds with rage, and I simply don't.
It occurs to me, anger might be useful in communicating to others that they have wronged you. Measured communication is more easily forgotten, so anger might be more useful in changing behavior.
Of course, it can also alienate and exacerbate already stressful situations...
i do agree with you..at first i thought there was something wrong with me..why dont i get angry? i just dont want to waste my time on this negative feelings and linger on it..life is to short to be angry..and for what? it won't change a situation or whatever happened when you get angry..move on!!!
I found this article to be mostly true. There is no need to get "angry" in most situations. I have found that narcissists get angry when anyone doesn't agree with their thinking. I do think that when people learn to understand their own emotions and where they stem from, it is quite easy to evolve and in most cases anger becomes obsolete. However, I do think that in circumstances of injustice, anger is necessary. Not to say that it justifies brutality but as a means to end brutality in all of its forms. Anger is a necessary tool to end exploitation. Exploitation of humans, animals, land, resources, the environment, war, etcera... I think that that is where anger should end. At the point of emotional response. The way it should be learned to be expressed is through constructive positive change in its corresponding issue. Acting out, brutally in anger is a fools game.
I never get mad myself, never. I don't see the point of being overwhelmed by it. It makes you irrational. However, if someone crosses me, I'll be sure to get back at them. No doubt about it. Even if it's years after.
Been dating this guy for 3months and i ve never suceeded in getting him angry. He told me he doesnt get angry. But for me, i easily get angry though my anger doesnt last. He wants to try to change me so i dont get angry. Ever since i met him, he has only been angry once to my knowledge. A friend of his picked up a fight with him for no reason and he didn't fight back. The friend succeeded in ripping off his gold neckchain and my boyfriend's only reaction was to ask him to replace his neck chain. And the friend did replace it. I keep asking him why he never gets angry. And I told him that guys like him will pretend they don't get angry and when u get married to them, they will show u another side to them. And I also told him that, I will take it upon me as a project to go to Google and research how to get him angry which is how I stumbled on this post. So dear writer and those who commented, I still don't believe there is anybody who doesn't get angry. I can never believe that. I like that I can feel angry so that people won't take me for granted. So I will still go ahead with my project of getting my boyfriend angry so I can see how he reacts. Thanks
Hm... You say you don't get angry but you seem a tad aggressive about those who do, though.
I came across this blog because I was curious about the same thing; I never get angry ever. Perhaps I was born with this inability, perhaps it's a part of my PTSD symptoms. Usually I get scared and/or lightheaded instead of being angry. But this isn't because I "do something about it", nor are people wrong for being angry without doing anything about. It's just the way I am, and just the way they are.
I very rarely feel anger. This is not as a result of some supreme effort to reconcile myself to the world. I just don't feel it. I was widowed at a young age and, even then, I missed the anger phase of the grieving process. Lack of anger has helped in all sorts of ways, but it can be dull and, more importantly can lead to loved ones feeling that they are not important enough to warrant strong emotional reactions.
I realized how useless anger generally is after I acted angry at my young kids a couple of times. All it did was amplify my frustrations and show them an unhealthy behavior they would imitate when they were frustrated.
This "mirror" that my kids held up made me realize how stupid I was, when I was thinking that I could yell at them to get them to do what I want.
I used to defend occasional anger as a natural force that can help to change things for the better. I used to think that without anger there would never have been any revolutions, the oppressed would never have thrown off the oppressors.
But now I am not so sure anymore. Maybe the "angry mob" was mostly just used by others during revolutions and only cool-minded, well planned uprisings actually changed society in a progressive way.
Also, I used to be a defender of very honest (some would say harsh) criticism and a sometimes very confrontational style of debate. Sometimes I would get really mad when small things seemed really unfair, inappropriate etc and I felt like justice was or should be on my side. Those situations then either backfired and/or added to my reputation as a loud mouth.
Now I am at a point in my life where I am reassessing my cognitive and behavioral patterns and want to be more balanced, more efficient and have less friction happening, at work, at home, within my family and in public.
This goes along with less problem-oriented (more solution-oriented) thinking, less big picture complaining and more pragmatic doing, less dwelling on frustration and more goal-oriented planning.
I can still get frustrated when I see how the majority often seems passive and indifferent, and I am often more likely to speak up or act on something that bugs me than others do. Sometimes that can also be perceived as a (mild) form of trouble-making but I like it better than swimming with the flow all the time.
Today I was talking with my friend, Hayden. One of the things I like about talking with Hayden is that he probably has more insight into my life than I do. He'll often describe something I do or think in a way that I'd never thought about it, which then gives me something to ponder for a few days, weeks, etc.
Ironically, he's also the one who recommended the two books that made me adopt the MaxDiet, even though he doesn't follow it himself.
Today he asked me if I ever feel like crap.
Workplaces can be stressful places.
Anger is a natural response to stressful stimulus but its how we deal with that anger and how to express that is most important. Anger will pop up in both our I work and personal lives. While anger comes as easily and commonly as the passage of time, how to deal with it is not a common skill. Advice for this particular issue is numerous and sometimes conflicting. Thomas Jefferson, is quoted as stating "When angry count ten before you speak, if very angry, an hundred." I don't know if counting is the best solution, but when you are angry it is important you speak about it.
One solution to managing your anger according to the Mayo Clinic (2011) is using humor to diffuse the situation. If something is bothering you and you are afraid of how to express it, make a joke about it. Then at least you got it off of your chest. My advice is to know that a joke will not always lead to a resolution of the issue. If you try and use humor and don't get the result you were looking for, you will have to address the issue head on.
Just as conflict is necessary in the workplace and in life, so is anger. If a person is afraid of expressing their anger there are ways to do it that are less controversial. According to psychotherapist Beverly Engel of Psychology Today, "The most effective way of expressing this emotion is to translate it into clear, non-blaming statements that establish boundaries. These statements should contain two thoughts: the fact that you are angry and the reason why, and what you want the other person to do about it. A simplified form could be, 'I feel angry because________. I want you to ___________.' " (J. Salagubang, 2004) Avoiding blaming when expressing anger is often recommended as well.